Category Archives: Humor

Cantus Firmus at the Movies Ep. 7 – Crimes and Misdemeanors (w/ Bridget Nelson)

cfatm - crimes and misdemeanors with bridget nelson mst3k rifftrax
My special guest was Bridget Nelson of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax fame. The film we discussed was Woody Allen’s 1989 Crimes and Misdemeanors, a film that asks difficult questions about morality and integrity in a godless universe.

Bridget can be found at www.rifftrax.com, on Twitter at @bridgetjnelson, and her podcast Instead of Tweeting can be found on iTunes.

Audio:
http://www.cantus-firmus.com/Audio/20171104-CFATM-Ep7-CrimesandMisdemeanors(wBridgetNelson).mp3

Music:
“Octagon Pt 2” by Polyrhythmics. Licensed under CC BY 3.0
http://www.needledrop.co/wp/artists/polyrhythmics/

Some Arguing for “a Man’s Right to Bruise”

Cody Cook
Black Box Press

Cincinnati, OH– A legal battle to defend “wife correction” (or as its detractors call it, “wife beating”) has reached the United States Supreme Court, and surprisingly it has found a lot of support.

Stephen Gates, a proponent for wife correction, had this to say: “if wife correction is illegal, then men who correct their wives will be made into lawbreakers. We should tear down any laws limiting this practice. I think that we should trust men to know when they can make the decision to inflict pain on their wives, and believe that they will know when it will be for the good of themselves and their chattel– er, spouse.”

Gates proposal not only extends to repealing all “wife correction” laws, but also for the allowance of new facilities where husbands can “safely” correct their wives with the help of experts.

“We should not only make wife correction totally legal, but also provide safe facilities for husbands to do so. Husbands who physically correct their wives at home could be hit with a frying pan or stabbed with a steak knife if their wives don’t accept the correction. This is very dangerous. We need to provide a safe environment for husbands who take on the very difficult decision to beat their spouse,” Gates said.

Those who are against “wife correction” have argued that “safe wife beating” is a ridiculous concept because violating a woman’s physical well-being can never be “safe,” and that we shouldn’t make it easier for men to abuse their wives.

“Just because a man gets hurt trying to inflict pain on his wife, that shouldn’t move us to offer him protection and allow him to keep doing this grave injustice to women,” said Sen. Susan Ruth (D-NY) Monday during a congressional hearing on this issue.

I asked Graves what he thought about Ruth’s statement that, “as fellow human beings, women have the right to be protected from physical harm.”

Gates gave the typical pro-correction response: “Well that’s because she’s a woman, isn’t it? Why should I let women tell me what I can do with my property? Susan wants to make this all about a woman’s right to protection from harm, but let’s not forget that a woman belongs to her husband and that it’s arrogant for her, some senator in Washington, to tell men what they can and can’t do with what belongs to them.”

I attempted to interview Sen. Susan Ruth to get more of her side of this debate, but she was unavailable due to a scheduling conflict– she was speaking at a Planned Parenthood fundraiser.

“The Secret” to Blame for Economic Collapse, Some Analysts Say

Cincinnati, OH — Some analysts believe they have now discovered the reason for the near-collapse of the global economy– The Secret. The Secret is a film and book by Rhonda Byrne which teaches that there is a universal law called “the Law of Attraction.” The Law of Attraction posits that everything you think or focus on will be brought to you by the universe. For instance, if you think “checks in the mail,” the Universe will automatically bring you checks in the mail. The premise behind this is that human individuals create their own Universes with their thoughts and actions. This is where experts think things took a turn.

“I don’t know how your own little private universe works, but in the real universe we have a free market. We can’t have just any shmuck who’s attended a Law of Attraction seminar getting checks in the mail without putting in the work. Capitalism doesn’t function that way. Someone’s gotta pay for those checks,” says economist Richard Burrage. “When Rhonda Byrne started telling everyone that the Universe would give them anything they wanted, people started buying up houses and cars they couldn’t afford. For awhile everyone lived richly, but then disaster struck because the universe doesn’t understand how a free market works. You can’t just give and give and not expect bad consequences.”

Defenders of the Secret have proposed other theories for the collapse. Says Secret Practitioner Lucifer Moonunit, “the Universe is very temperamental. It will bring you whatever you want, but you have to be careful not to use words like ‘don’t’ or ‘not’ because the Universe doesn’t understand those words. If you go around saying, ‘I DON’T want to be late for work’ or ‘I hope I’m NOT pregnant,’ then the Universe will do everything in its power to get you to work an hour late and with child, even if that means creating a traffic jam and causing an immaculate conception. In this case, there were probably just too many people going around saying, ‘I sure hope the economy doesn’t collapse…’ So if the economy is broken, it’s our fault. We should have been more positive.”

This view has been supported by holocaust survivor and Secret supporter, Yaakov Singer: “When bad things happen to us, we are always the ones to blame. If we aren’t emitting positive vibes into the universe, we’re going to bring a lot of trouble on ourselves. Why are we trying to send peacekeeping troops into Darfur instead of just dropping off The Secret DVDs or The Law of Attraction by Esther and Jerry Hicks? We need to stop blaming genocidal tyrants and selfish corporations for doing ‘evil’ to us. There is no such thing as evil. It’s all about whose desire and will is strongest. We just need to be more strong-willed.”