Cincinnati, OH — Some analysts believe they have now discovered the reason for the near-collapse of the global economy– The Secret. The Secret is a film and book by Rhonda Byrne which teaches that there is a universal law called “the Law of Attraction.” The Law of Attraction posits that everything you think or focus on will be brought to you by the universe. For instance, if you think “checks in the mail,” the Universe will automatically bring you checks in the mail. The premise behind this is that human individuals create their own Universes with their thoughts and actions. This is where experts think things took a turn.
“I don’t know how your own little private universe works, but in the real universe we have a free market. We can’t have just any shmuck who’s attended a Law of Attraction seminar getting checks in the mail without putting in the work. Capitalism doesn’t function that way. Someone’s gotta pay for those checks,” says economist Richard Burrage. “When Rhonda Byrne started telling everyone that the Universe would give them anything they wanted, people started buying up houses and cars they couldn’t afford. For awhile everyone lived richly, but then disaster struck because the universe doesn’t understand how a free market works. You can’t just give and give and not expect bad consequences.”
Defenders of the Secret have proposed other theories for the collapse. Says Secret Practitioner Lucifer Moonunit, “the Universe is very temperamental. It will bring you whatever you want, but you have to be careful not to use words like ‘don’t’ or ‘not’ because the Universe doesn’t understand those words. If you go around saying, ‘I DON’T want to be late for work’ or ‘I hope I’m NOT pregnant,’ then the Universe will do everything in its power to get you to work an hour late and with child, even if that means creating a traffic jam and causing an immaculate conception. In this case, there were probably just too many people going around saying, ‘I sure hope the economy doesn’t collapse…’ So if the economy is broken, it’s our fault. We should have been more positive.”
This view has been supported by holocaust survivor and Secret supporter, Yaakov Singer: “When bad things happen to us, we are always the ones to blame. If we aren’t emitting positive vibes into the universe, we’re going to bring a lot of trouble on ourselves. Why are we trying to send peacekeeping troops into Darfur instead of just dropping off The Secret DVDs or The Law of Attraction by Esther and Jerry Hicks? We need to stop blaming genocidal tyrants and selfish corporations for doing ‘evil’ to us. There is no such thing as evil. It’s all about whose desire and will is strongest. We just need to be more strong-willed.”